The Story of Brer Rabbit Obama and The Tarpublicans

By John Galt
December 16, 2010

“Down yonder,” which is Southern for over thar, is a brier patch where them thar Tarpublicans tended to get themselves tangled up on a regular basis.

This week, them thar Pubbies is still tangled in their own brier patch and screaming like a dawg dancing in a bear trap trying to figger out just how in the Sam tarnation they got thorns in their butt and eyeballs once again.

The story, as usual, goes something like this…..

Them thar Tarpublicans were gettin’ frustrated tryin’ as hard as they coulda to corner that rascally Brer Rabbit Obama and them thar liberawls. Every time they’uns gawt close, the Brer Rabbit Obama would pull another rabbit our of another rabbit’s hat and leave them an askin’, “Which rabbit is we’uns supposed to chase thar to win?” Then while they scratched thar Tarbrains, Brer Obama would hippity hop on down Pennsylvania Avenue and smoke a coal giggling like a sckrool girl in first year biology whistlin’ a song like:

“Publicans dumb as a dawg,

Doo-Dah, Doo-Dah,

Clueless as Newt ding dong,

Doh-Dah, Doo-dah, Day.”

The Tarpublicans just could not for the life of them get that song out of thar heads. So one day, a Tarpublican named Boehner had an idea. He called all them thar other Tarpublicans together after the election and said, “Let’s scare that thar Brer Obama and trap ‘em. We’uns got all them Tea Party wolves and we can make it look like we’uns want to listen to them, and that will scare the old Brer Rabbit into the middle of the road where we’uns can catch’em.” The other Tarpublicans all nodded their tarheads in unison and did their best howl which sounded like fingernail on a chalkboard but to Brer Obama, it was music to his ears.

The sun came up one mornin’, as it does every mornin’ cept when it’s rainin’, and old Brer Obama was ready. He knew them foxy like Tarpublicans slept in so he got up before sun up and set up a Barcalounger and an ashtray in the middle of the road. The first Tarpublican was one of them hybrid critters, a Tarinopublican, and since he was first in line, Tarinopublican McConnell waddled his half fox, half donkey butt up to the Brer Rabbit and gave him one big long sniff and asked, “Watcha doin’ here Brer Obama?” Brer Obama snuffed his coal out and smiled with them big teeth and looked at the Tarinopublican and said, “Well old McConnell without a farm, I came here to the middle of the road to meet you’uns halfway. I figured if we could meet here and work things out, y’all might quit trying to eat me and the Tea Party wolves could be put back into y’all’s pens and muzzled so us rabbits ain’t gotta listen to their incessant howling and we can get back to business as usual.”

The Tarinopublican thought about that long and hard, staring into the distance wondering if he was being snookered again. “Hang on a sec,” McConnell said and he whistled between his black dripping fingers and four more Tarpublicans waddled out of the distance. The first Tarpublican, a skinny boy from the old Confederacy, snuck up on Brer Obama and said in a soft spoken voice, “Yo, yo, yo, yo Brer Obama, just what do you think you’re doing in the middle of our middle of our middle of the road? Don’t you understand this is where we go when we run the show?” Brer Obama broke out that famous smile, exhaled a smoke ring, and grinned back at Tarpublican Cantor, “Boy, we’uns got plenty of room here in the middle. We can make deals I just ask y’all don’t throw me back into that Lie-Be-Rall Brier bush over thar. It hurt too much and I couldn’t make friends and deals in thar.” Tarpublican Cantor looked over at the Tarinopublican and said, “Good enough for me, he must be one of them thar Clinton type bunnies.” With that being said he nodded his tar head and scooted off behind McConnell and just sat there waiting for guidance.

The next Tarpublican was one of them rare ones, he could switch into his Demorabbit suit at will when he could make a buck, or become a Tarinopublican to raise money with his voters or become an angry Tarpuclican at will. He was a grouchy old fart and the Tarinopbulicancrat McCain waddled up to that wascally Obama rabbit and said, “Ya done got me pancaked once, why would I agree to work with you again?” Brer Obama looked at the old Tarinopublicancrat and drooped his ears into a pathetic position of submission while widening his eyes working up a fake tear and started to talk, “Old bro McCain, if I dupe you, you can throw me into those Lie-Be-Rall Brier bushes over thar and I’ll be so scratched up and in pain, you know you’ll always have your way with me.” The old Tarinopublicancrat looked at his younger siblings and spit tar on the road and told them, “I’m in charge here, so you young’uns just step aside and let me do any more negotiatin’ so we don’t get duped again!” The other two just shrugged their shoulders and said “okie dokey” and stood behind McCain hoping if things went wrong that he’d be melted under the heat he would receive.

The last Tarpublican walked up, lean, mean, and nasty. He was one of those new breeds, the Teatarpublicans who didn’t take crap from anyone. His attitude showed from the steaming footprints he left on the road so as if to send a message that he meant business. The Teatarpublican spoke up in an authoritative voice, “My name is DeMint and you ain’t gonna pull the bull hockey on me you’ve been snowing my friends with Brer Obama. Don’t even say a word and march your butt into that brier patch with the rest of them Lie-Be-Ralls and don’t even say to me you don’t want to go there. You came out here into the middle of the road and only wanted to dupe my friends into acting stupid like you cared. I know you just want to pass more stuff like that Health Care con, open borders, more spending, and taxing productive Americans out of existence. Don’t you even try to snooker me or I’ll give you a Tarwhoopin’!!!!”

Brer Obama drooped and slumped his shoulders and looked over his shoulders back at the old timers begging, “Please Tarpubs, please, don’t let him throw me back into the Lie-Be-Rall patch!” McCain and McConell looked at the two younger Tarpubs and they both nodded their heads negatively, trying to let him suffer as he was done ruling the road, the patches, the fields, and the skies. McCain looked at DeMint and said, “You’uns was a little hard on the bunny, dontcha’ think?” DeMint shook the sweaty tar off his head to look slick again and said, “You need to get on board, this is the new, new Tarpublican Party and your type is just keeping his type in charge!” The older Tarinopublicancrat got a little aggravated with DeMint and Cantor as Brer Obama disappeared into them bushes, screaming “ow, oh, owwwww” all the way in until he vanished.

Tarpublican DeMint said proudly, “See, I told y’all he was yankin’ y’alls legs!” Just as the last words were uttered from his lips, the screams of agony from the brier patch were getting louder. “No, no, no Miss Nancy, not the thorny whip,” Brer Obama was heard to scream. Then suddenly the agonizing yells got louder as Brer Obama cried out, “Oh no Mista Reid, not the ACLU thorny whoopin’, please oh God, no, no, no, not that!” By this time Tarpublican McCain and McConnell were ready to end the agony and yelled out, “Come on out Brer Obama, we’ll meet ya again! Let’s talk!” Brer Obama was all ruffled up, his fur looked like it was brushed with a wire toilet brush nasty and matted down, his fur reeking of cigarette smoke.

“I’m back, but I can’t quite go all the way to the middle of the road,” Brer Obama started, “Y’all just need to stay there and keep the right side too, I’ll cut a deal with ya!” Tarinopublicancrat McCain grinned and said, “Well, my friend, okay, what kind of deal do you have in mind?” Brer Obama looking as pathetic as he could looked up at the four and said, “Y’all can have the middle of the road and we can extend the tax cuts until the next election in 2012. We can share credit for meeting in the middle but y’all can take all the credit as long as the other bunnies can take care of their business as usual.” The four Tarpublicans huddled up and out of the meeting the Tarinopublicancrat looked at the pathetic creature and said, “Well, we’uns can now say again we’ve given you a shallackin’ and that will do. You do what you have to with the other bunnies and we’ll hold the middle and right side of the road with this deal until 2012. Now just scoot back into those bushes with your buddies and let us be.”

Brer Obama grinned and thanked the Tarpublicans publicly and profusely, then lit a Marlboro menthol and bunny hopped back into the bushes screaming in pain as he went deeper and deeper into the brier patch. The four Tarpublicans stood in the middle of the old road smiling and high fiving each other when suddenly a semi-tractor trailer loaded with solar panels smacked them and splattered them all over the road. Deep inside the brier patch Brer Obama was choking on his smoke he was laughing so hard while the other rabbits, Pelosi and Reid, were snickering uncontrollably. “Did you ever think them thar Tarpublicans could be that stupid,” Obama laughed and bellowed, “they didn’t even notice that I repainted the twin center lines way off to the left hand side of the road back in August and they was standin’ in the far left fast lane!”

And that is the story of Brer Rabbit Obama and the Tarpublicans while the moral of the story is:

Don’t trust any rabbits in brier patches of way out there with a smoke and a smile saying “Trust me” even if they are just trying to sell you a used car you really want.