Monday Jokes

[American Patriot]

Today I am starting a new thread, just for Monday Jokes. No Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday jokes allowed here. This is ONLY for Monday jokes.



If you wanna put up jokes on Tuesdays, you have to start another thread.

[Ryan Ruck]

So, a Monday walks into a bar...

You mean like those types of Monday jokes?

[American Patriot]

A while back, I was speeding along the empty interstate at about 5 AM when an object darted into the road ahead of me. I didn't have time to swerve,but luckily just grazed it as I went by. It made a noise that sounded very much like an "oink.".

I pulled over, got off the bike and walked back to the spot. There, in the middle of the road, was a giant spotted pig, lying on its side. I looked around, but there was nobody within sight to render assistance. As I knelt down to see if it was seriously injured, it opened its eyes, staggered to its feet, and trotted back in the direction from which it had come. I checked the bike, found no damage, and continued on my way.

Three weeks later I received a letter from the clerk of the circuit court. Opening it, I found a summons. Reading the summons, I found that I was being charging with striking livestock with a motor vehicle and leaving the scene of an accident.

I took the summons to my attorney. He read it, and shook his head gravely. "You're in real trouble on this one," he said. "But it was 5 AM and there was nobody else around! How did they even find out about this?" I asked. He looked me in the eye, shook his head, and replied, "The pig must have squealed."

[American Patriot]

I just finished a stats class... did I ever mention how much I hate Stats????

Three statisticians are out hunting when they see a deer. The first guy shoots and misses, ten feet to the left. The second guy shoots and also misses, ten feet to the right. The third statistician starts jumping up and down flailing his arms wildly, screaming, "We got him! We got him!"

[American Patriot]

1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. 2 boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. 2 eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[American Patriot]

A scientist from Queens University in Kingston has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and beat the shit out of him.

[American Patriot]

Two fer da price a-one....

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.


A very pert and attractive female employee meets with her boss and says, "I'd like to get something off my chest." "What's that?" asks the boss. "Your eyes," she replies.

[American Patriot]

Just for the Anomalies Crowd

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see ...

... a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[American Patriot]

I actually printed these off and gave to my wanna-be-son-in-law, a few years back. Just so you know, he did marry my daughter and they have a beautiful little girl And, he's a good son -- obviously with a good sense of humor.

Dating Rules for Overly Protective Dads

* Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

* Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

* Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

* Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

* Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

* Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

* Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

* Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

* Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

* Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[American Patriot]

This wasn't precisely a JOKE, but I laughed my ass off at the headline

Nestle to Buy Jenny Craig for $600 Million
Associated Press ^ | Jun 19, 2006

In a twist in corporate synergy, chocolate-maker Nestle AG said Monday it will fatten up its weight-loss business by buying Jenny Craig Inc. for $600 million.

The acquisition follows Nestle's purchase for around $670 million last month of Uncle Tobys, an Australian maker of nutritional cereals and snacks, and is part of the company's "continuing commitment to nutrition, health and wellness," the Swiss company said in a statement.

While best known for its namesake chocolates, Nestle is the world's largest food and drinks company, making baby formulas, nutrition foods such as PowerBar, drinks to aid weight loss and the Lean Cuisine line. The company's purchase of Jenny Craig follows the lead of consumer products company Unilever, which bought both Ben & Jerry's ice cream and Slim Fast in 2000.

Weight management will become a new business within Nestle's nutrition unit and will reinforce its U.S. presence, the company said.

"With this strategic acquisition, the group takes another important step in its transformation process into a nutrition, health and wellness company," said Nestle Chairman and Chief Executive Peter Brabeck-Letmathe.

"The rise of obesity and the resulting metabolic disorders, such as diabetes and cardiovascular disease, is a major public health concern, not only in the USA but also the world over," Brabeck-Letmathe said.

Jenny Craig, which has more than 3,000 employees and more than 600 centers in the U.S., Canada, Australia and New Zealand, generated sales of more than $400 million in the past 12 months and achieved double-digit internal growth.

(Excerpt) Read more at breakingnews.nypost.com ...

[American Patriot]

This piece speaks for itself!!!


This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military
action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off
America's supply of convenience store managers.

And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, motel operators,

& cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.

It's getting ugly....

[PsycoJoe]

If you wanna put up jokes on Tuesdays, you have to start another thread.

Breaking your own rules, or did you miss a day?

[American Patriot]

lol. I figured that was a MONDAY joke, so I posted it in the MONDAY thread.

Good to see someone is reading them anyway. LOL.

That one came in to me on Monday, after I left work.. yeah, that's what happened. lol

[Bastastic]

A Chinese couple gets married -- and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?"he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan ...... numba 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries......... "You want... Beef wif Broccori."?

[falcon]

A very unattractive, mean looking and mean acting woman walks into Wal Mart with her two kids. After shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she says to the Wal Mart greeter, "Go through those carts and find me one that doesn't need oiling for once!" Yes Ma'am, happy to oblige," says the Greeter, and goes and picks out a cart for her. "Here you are, Ma'am, hope this one is okay," he says.

"If you'd get out of my way, maybe I could find out!" snaps the woman.

"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter says, standing aside, "And you and the twins have a nice day."

The woman snarls, "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look alike.

The greeter smiles, "No they don't Ma'am. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

[American Patriot]

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

[American Patriot]

These all are Ronald Reagan jokes and quips. I was personally present for the first one

"My fellow Americans. I'm pleased to announce that I've signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes." –joking during a mike check before his Saturday radio broadcast

"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?"

"I hope you're all Republicans." -speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt

"Honey, I forgot to duck." -to his wife, Nancy, after surviving the assassination attempt

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency — even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting."

"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'"

"Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries"

"I don't know. I've never played a governor." –asked by a reporter in 1966 what kind of governor he would be

"Facts are stupid things." –at the 1988 Republican National Convention, attempting to quote John Adams, who said, "Facts are stubborn things"

"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles."

"All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk."

"They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance."

"There is absolutely no circumstance whatever under which I would accept that spot. Even if they tied and gagged me, I would find a way to signal by wiggling my ears." –on possibly being offered the vice presidency in 1968

"You can tell a lot about a fella's character by whether he picks out all of one color or just grabs a handful." –explaining why he liked to have a jar of jelly beans on hand for important meetings

"I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience." -during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

"The state of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity." –responding to student protests on college campuses during his tenure as California governor

"Approximately 80 percent of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources."

"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his."

"We are trying to get unemployment to go up, and I think we're going to succeed."

"As a matter of fact, Nancy never had any interest in politics or anything else when we got married."

"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born."

"I'm afraid I can't use a mule. I have several hundred up on Capitol Hill." –refusing a gift of a mule

"What we have found in this country, and maybe we're more aware of it now, is one problem that we've had, even in the best of times, and that is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless who are homeless, you might say, by choice."

"How are you, Mr. Mayor? I'm glad to meet you. How are things in your city?" –greeting Samual Pierce, his secretary of Housing and Urban Development, during a White House reception for mayors

"My name is Ronald Reagan. What's yours?" –introducing himself after delivering a prep school commencement address. The individual responded, "I'm your son, Mike," to which Reagan replied, "Oh, I didn't recognize you."

"Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, you coast for awhile, you have a hell of a closing."

"What does an actor know about politics?" –criticizing Ed Asner for opposing American foreign policy

"What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" -on Clint Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

"How can a president not be an actor?" -when asked "How could an actor become president?'

[American Patriot]

Question: What do you call a fundamentalist radical islamist sitting on the roof?

Answer: Shiite on a shingle....

[American Patriot]

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the
million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the
following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its
eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her
Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not
have to use it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home
happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave
her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:


"That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."


The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her

friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde,
that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the
blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the
contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said the host.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Yes, final answer." replied the contestant.

The host replied, " That answer is......absolutely correct. You are
now a millionaire!"

Several days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends -- including the blonde who had helped her win the million
dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the
contestant. Because of your knowing the answer to that final
question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something?

It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that

convinced me to go with your choice. How did you happen to know

the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't
build nests. They live in clocks."

[American Patriot]

(I thought I posted this one, but, just in case...)

THE IRISH CANDLE STORY

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she
met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"! She
replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll
light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs.
Donovan, how are ye thesedays?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10
in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?"
She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!"