Friday Follies

[American Patriot]

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.



She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write, "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce"

[American Patriot]

Alligator Shoes

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.

Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration, “Sonofabitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

[American Patriot]

Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing
'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-eight.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard
liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?'
I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, "Do you chase wild women....... in
other words do you whore around?


'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care?'

[American Patriot]

So... in my job working on this complex and glorified "burglar alarm system" the last few days we've had these motion sensors going off above a ceiling.

Only every so often...Like something is moving around up there slowly.

I figured it was a bug or something, like a moth. We get a Miller Moth invasion every year, some times not too bad, sometimes by the millions - even billions.

So I am thinking "moth" when I climb up a six foot ladder and remove a ceiling tile. Now, this is on the third floor of the building that contains a lot of higher ups in the Agency. Most of them know me by name and are used to seeing me doing something or another (Whatever it is Rick does they will say).

Today I climb up, move a tile and couldn't get it out due to fire suppressing piping above the tile. But a miller moth flies out. No big deal, I think, "Great, maybe he won't set off the alarms any more".

So, I move down the hall a bit and remove another tile.

Several people are in the hall way talking and kind of watching.

The next thing I know a moth flies out, then another, then about 3-4 DOZEN of the little buggers. Women scream, men start killing them. I'm choking on "moth dust" from their stupid little wings. My face, arms, shirt (it's black) and head are covered in this dust.

And there's dozens of moths fluttering everywhere in the hall.

A man yells, "Hey! What are you doing?"

I turned, dusted myself off and said, "I was trying to figure out why all these motion sensors are going off, but I'll be damned if I know...." picked up my ladder and walked off to the elevator.

A moth fluttered into his open mouth as I turned the corner.....

[Ryan Ruck]

[American Patriot]

I still have a job... so far. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

[MinutemanCO]

That's funny right there.
Wonder how moth tastes?

He should thank you. Coulda been a xenomorph.

[American Patriot]

lol

[American Patriot]

Someone asked me yesterday, "If you're the Captain of your ship does that mean you can marry people?"

There are several answers to this. Since this is a free country, the answer is yes. Except I'm already married.

The question should be "Can the Captain of a ship perform marriages?" for which the answer would be "NO".

However, I'm putting up a plaque on my ship. It will state clearly:

"Any marriages performed by the captain of this ship are valid for the duration of the voyage only."

[American Patriot]

Gordon Died

Gordon died. So Susan went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Susan what she would like to say about Gordon.

Susan replied, "You just put, 'Gordon died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Gordon died?'

Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Gordon. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more."

So Susan pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K., then. You put 'Gordon died. Sailboat for sale.'"

[American Patriot]

The Duck Hunter

A city guy is out duck hunting in a friend's field. Right away in the morning he sees a duck and BLAM, he shoots it.


Well, the wounded duck then falls out of the sky and hits the neighboring farmhouse roof and then falls in their front lawn. The man walks over and is about to grab the duck when he hears someone yell "Hey, you leave that duck alone!"


The city man looks up and sees the farmer on his porch.


"I just shot this duck, so it's mine" says the city man.


"Ha, you don't know much about land laws, do ya boy? That duck is on my property, so its mine," responded the farmer. "But if you want it we can settle this country style."


"Country Style?" asked the city man.


The farmer explained, "It's where we kick each other in the crotch until one of us can't get up. Then whoever is left gets the duck." "Well alright," goes the city man.


"I'm first" the farmer says, then BLAM!!! He kicks the city man right in the junk.


After about 20min of rolling around, moaning, and a few tears, the city man gets up and says "Well, I guess it's my turn!"


The farmer says "Nah, you can keep the duck."

[American Patriot]

Close Your Curtains

A woman phones her blonde neighbor and says, "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."


To which the blonde replies, "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

[American Patriot]

The Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.


Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $200.'


After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.


When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.


Jim quickly dressed and left.


As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' |


With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $200?'


Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me $200.


Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

[American Patriot]

The Traffic Trap

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

[American Patriot]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!’



Passenger: "Who?"



Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."



Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."



Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."



Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."



Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."



Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."



Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."



Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"



Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f****n' widow."

[American Patriot]

I was visiting my son last night when I asked him if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, Dad', he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you this, that damn fly never knew what hit him.

[American Patriot]

In response the question, "Are you better off now than you were four years ago?"

The answer is "Yes, four years ago I couldn't qualify for food stamps!"

[American Patriot]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam!”

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[American Patriot]

> Dan was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens),
> called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and
> any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
>
> This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to
> his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a
> distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and
> fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
>
> Dan's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this morning
> he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he
> saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the
> pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
>
> To Dan's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he
> had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do
> his job and walk on to the next one.
>
> Dan was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he
> became an overnight sensation among the judges.
>
> The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but
> they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
>
> Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure out
> how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the
> best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't
> paying attention.
>
> Vote carefully this year, you can't always hear the bells!
>
> Keep your eyes and ears open.
>
>

[American Patriot]

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."