Friday Follies

[vector7]

[American Patriot]

*HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHEN ON A BUDGET*

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'

5. INSTALLATION COMPLETE!

[Luke]

LOL! Best joke I have heard today. Thanks!

[American Patriot]

A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV. The
man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's butt."

Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the
first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.

He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer. Shortly after,
Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a
horse's butt, too!"

Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face,
knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama
country?"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."

[American Patriot]

This pretty much sums up our elected officials "fix" for the economic "mess". No return on all those flippin' MBA Degrees......


It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times, gave her service on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.

And if that doesn't scare the ____ out of you then you are brain dead!

[Beetle]

NewsBusted
Conservative comedy from NewsBusters

http://www.thehopeforamerica.com/play.php?id=1562

I know it is Saturday, but this video was a good way to start my Saturday. I hope it works for you too.

[American Patriot]

The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my family the other day, I think we have found a solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

I really think we have a Perfect Solution!

[American Patriot]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to a nearby phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the National Weather Service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

[Beetle]

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMACARE
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor’s office include “Take a left when you
enter the trailer park.”
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is “an apple a day..”
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,” is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M’s on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU’VE JOINED OBAMACARE:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape

[Ryan Ruck]

lmfao!

[American Patriot]

Let me get this straight.

We're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president who also hasn't read it, and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke.

What possibly could go wrong?

[American Patriot]

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The man's friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults," says the first golfer.

"Somersaults!" says the friend. "That's incredible. How many does he do?"

"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

[American Patriot]

First book of government

obama is the shepherd i did not want.
He leadth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for
his party's sake.
Yea, though i walk thru the valley of the bread
lines,
i shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with
me.
He has anointed my income with taxes.
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty & hard living will follow me all
the days of my life.
And i will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad i am an american,
i am glad that i am free.
But i wish i was a dog . . . .
And obama was a tree.

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it


blessings

[vector7]

First book of government

obama is the shepherd i did not want.
He leadth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for
his party's sake.
Yea, though i walk thru the valley of the bread
lines,
i shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with
me.
He has anointed my income with taxes.
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty & hard living will follow me all
the days of my life.
And i will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad i am an american,
i am glad that i am free.
But i wish i was a dog . . . .
And obama was a tree.

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it


blessings

Sums it up nicely.

Thanks for sharing Rick!

[American Patriot]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,
so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky backcountry.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.... and saw the
funeral guy was evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left.... and they were eating lunch. I
felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what
else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my
heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've
never played before for this homeless man.

As I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept; I wept; we
all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my
car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet
Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before.... and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[American Patriot]

Two aliens landed their space ship in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[American Patriot]

I recently picked a new doctor. After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh, no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even care?"

[American Patriot]

The South - You Gotta Love It

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana. "When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina
NEWS FLASH! - North Carolina's worst air disaster occurred! When a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of North Carolina students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

South Carolina
A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?

Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

[American Patriot]

Two Woodpeckers...

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.>>

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.>>

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.>>

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian >>
woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?>>

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: >>

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[American Patriot]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."