Friday Follies

[Backstop]

My family is really good about not forwarding junk emails.

Got that from my sis - and I think it's a great one.

[American Patriot]

It was a tough year, but I made it !!!

But not everyone is as lucky as I am.......

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf..

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck....

[samizdat]

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck....

Keep on truckin...

[American Patriot]

lol

[American Patriot]

Life is stranger than fiction, hahaha

[American Patriot]

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds and comes to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,

"Hey, Mohammed! Two coffees!"

[American Patriot]

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[American Patriot]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

[American Patriot]

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.



"Hello, President Obama,” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Crab Shack, Houston, Texas. I am callin' to tell y'all that we are officially declaring war on ya!"



"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"



"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"



Barack paused. "I must tell you, Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."



"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"



Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"



"And what equipment would that be, Archie?" Barack asked.



"Well, sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."



President Obama sighed. "I must tell you, Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."



"Lord above," said Archie. "I'll be getting back to ya."



Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harold’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"



Barack was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Archie, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"



"Oh, Lord," said Archie, "l'll have to call you back."



Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off the war."



"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"



Well, sir," said Archie, "we all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and came to the realization that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[American Patriot]

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"


The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims although the Irishman swore every word was true. "Has this actually happened to you?" they asked.


"Not to meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it has happened to me sister quite a few times."

[American Patriot]

A beautiful young Italian New York woman was so depressed that she decided
to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man
stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a
sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship.
"I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to
go to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to
her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied "He brings food
and I get a free trip to Europe."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," she adds, "He's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Ryan Ruck]

[Luke]

While it is not Friday, it is still funny. Came from a fellow named Tim Wilson.

100 Things to Remember

"I had a crazy uncle that was on his deathbed a long time ago, he said,
Boy, there's a hundred things in life a man needs to know to survive, and here's 39 0f 'em."

A virgin don't eva drive a Z-28,
never bet the ranch on your prostate.
If it's got a adams apple it's probably a man,
never trust a gay gypsy with the palm of your hand.
She didn't accidently get good in bed,
it's too late to join the church if you're already dead.
A work uniform ain't totally nude,
brim and bass ain't seafood.
When there's guns in the house,
one better be yours.
Don't be naked next to any fishin' lures.
If there's girl scout cookies,
she's a little too young.
If you say "I do" be the ugly one.
Don't ever let a bald man borrow your comb,
never play strip poker in a nursing home.
Don't blame your pall bearers cause they don't show,
if you're buried in the middle of the Super Bowl.
Let people borrow money, they'll leave you alone,
never fry bacon without a shirt on.
Never spray water on a hornets nest,
a woman rarely aces the driving test.
The sign probably don't really mean massage,
never threaten anybody wearin' camoflage.
Say you love her til she lays down the butcher knife,
never put the move on the bosses wife.
She's messin' 'round on ya if your briefs don't fit,
never trust a hitchiker to babysit.
Cosmos rarely in a happy home,
you can't cut a deal with a kidney stone.
A politician ain't got an HMO,
washin' her hair means she don't want to go.
Don't ridicule a biker about his tattoos,
you been married 9 times, hell, maybe it's you.
Doom ain't the same as Donkey Kong,
if he's wearin' high heels you might a raised him wrong.
The clinic ain't the best place to pick up dates,
never rent a room from a man named Bates.
A tank-top,never on a billionaire,
Stevie Ray Vaughan missed a note here and there.
How many get to heaven, nobody knows,
but Hell'l be asses and elbows."

And then he died! Crazy fool rolled over and died!And never did tell me what them other 61 things were. So if anybody out there knows, how about gettin' a'hold of me at TimWilson.net.

Tickled my hillbilly logic funny bone.

Say you love her til she lays down the butcher knife,
Still grining like an idiot over that line.

[Ryan Ruck]

[American Patriot]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house".



Well she didn't actually put it like that... she said... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

[American Patriot]

Luke, the term Friday Follies doesn't mean you have to tell the jokes on Friday.

Let me tell you the story of "Friday Follies".

Long ago in a galaxy far far away... oh wait, wrong story. When I worked for the White House, the President's press office used to collect the weekly Political Cartoons from ALL the papers and make a book each week, called "Friday Follies".

These were presented to the President on Friday for his perusal. This was HIS attempt (Ronald Reagan) to keep his feet grounded in reality. If they were laughing at him, he spent his time working out what was so funny and why, so he could laugh at himself as well.

Usually, he got it right away.

Anyway - I wish to heck I had a copy of one of those little booklets today. I'll bet they are worth something today!

That's why I originally called the thread by that name.

[American Patriot]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I'm glad to see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch".

The man perks up.

"So", the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you've been married for forty-five years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision".

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife"?

"Yes I have", says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision"?

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision"? asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops".

[American Patriot]

CANNON BALLS!!!

BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass -hence,Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few of your intellectual friends.

(Ok send it to those who aren't so intellectual)

[Aplomb]

[Backstop]

Hahaha!