Friday Follies

[American Patriot]

Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station,) Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour's instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new "Bitching Betty." However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.

[American Patriot]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.



"Hunting Flies," He responded.



"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.



"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.



Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?"



He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

[American Patriot]

Not sure if I posted this in the past, but that's ok, posting it again, cuz... well, it's funny.

Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You are going to die anyway, so live life.

Artery.............................. The study of paintings

Bacteria.......................... Back door to cafeteria

Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die

Benign............................ What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section...... A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty

Cauterize....................... Made eye contact with her

Colic...............................A sheep dog

Coma............................ A punctuation mark

Dilate............................. To live long

Enema............................Not a friend

Fester............................ Quicker than someone else

Fibula............................ A small lie

Impotent........................Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain................. Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff............... A Doctor's cane

Morbid........................... A higher offer

Nitrates.......................... Cheaper than day rates

Node................................ I knew it

Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted

Pelvis................. .......... Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative............ A letter carrier

Recovery Room.......... Place to do upholstery

Rectum.......................... ****** near killed him

Secretion....................... Hiding something

Seizure........................ Roman emperor

Tablet........................... A small table

Terminal Illness.......... Getting sick at the airport

Tumor........................... One plus one more

Urine............................. Opposite of you're out

[American Patriot]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."



The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."



"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."



The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."



"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."



"And what is that?" asked the priest.



"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[American Patriot]

One day the only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Ireland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Ireland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.



They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so that they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.



The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."



The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you, by chance, buy this cow in Ireland ?"



The people were dumbfounded; since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Ireland.



"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Ireland?"



The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Ireland."

[American Patriot]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.



She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.



She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!



Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.



Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... walked home .... and left it there all night.

[American Patriot]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.



Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.



When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.



‘The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'



Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?'

[American Patriot]

the war joke? LOL

[American Patriot]

LMAO. I choked on my coffee. lol

[Luke]

Being a Southerner at heart, you left out


irony............................how blood tastes

[American Patriot]

being a southerner at heart, you left out


irony............................how blood tastes

lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[American Patriot]

The Old Doctor

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him 
on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.



At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor says, “Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that 
does the trick?”

As they left, the younger man said, “You didn't even examine that woman. 
How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in 
there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels 
in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.”

“Huh,” the younger doctor said. “Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a 
 younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she 
once did and said, “I'm feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,” the younger 
 doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that 
 helps.”

As they left, the elder doctor said, '”I know that woman well. Your 
diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

”

“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when 
I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

[American Patriot]

Marriage Counseling


After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been
married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced
and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs
at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays. But on Fridays , I
fish.'

[American Patriot]

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 7-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?" He said "It's President's Day!"



He is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc. He replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."



You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose.

[American Patriot]

I heard some people saying today that they're not giving Congressman Wiener a fair shake.

Some even think he got the shaft....

[American Patriot]

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES... USE BIRTH CONTROL.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies. ... Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

"You know why a banana is like a politician?" "He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten."

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

[American Patriot]

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED --- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, "The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license", he said.



So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.



A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."



"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

[American Patriot]

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

[American Patriot]

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd.

Inevitably, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you’ve been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.

"You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"


"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step...I joined the Democratic Party.

[American Patriot]

The Rabbi and the Catholic bishop found themselves seated together at an ecumenical banquet. Seeing the rabbi was not being served the same appetizing dish of roast pork as everyone else, the bishop thought he would make conversation.

“You know, I’ve always wondered how you people manage to keep such strict dietary laws . . . I mean you, yourself, as a rabbi, right? You never eat bacon or pork?”

“Never”

“Never? I mean you can tell me.”

“Well”, confessed the rabbi, “Once, when I was just a student at the yeshiva, I happened to be out on a journey, and very hungry, and I went into this café, and decided to try a bacon sandwich – I was just curious to see what it tasted like. But it has never touched my lips ever since.”

The bishop leaned back, with a satisfied smile at the rabbi’s discomfort.

The rabbi thought for a moment. Then said, “Something I’ve never understood about your religion is the law of celibacy. As a priest, you are not allowed to ever marry or have relations with a woman, that right?”

“That is correct.”

“Can you honestly say that you have never been tempted to stray from that?”

This time, it was the bishop’s turn to be embarrassed. “Once”, he confessed, “When I was just a young novice, there was a beautiful girl in this village, who I was smitten by, and yes, when the opportunity came, I was tempted, and made love to her. But ever since then, I have kept my vows.”

The rabbi smiled, and winked, patting him on the back reassuringly, and said in his ear:

“It’s better than bacon, isn’t it?”