For Your Amusement

[Brian Baldwin]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"

Brian

[Brian Baldwin]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Brian

[Ryan Ruck]

[Brian Baldwin]

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Brian

[American Patriot]

The progress of the student during flying training was not good enough to allow him to continue the course and to become a fighter pilot. He had to leave the pilot training outfit but he wanted to remain in the Air Force and could be transferred into another sector. Asked for his preferences he replied: " AAA, Anti Aircraft Artillery, because 'if I don't fly - nobody will"

[American Patriot]

SUPERIORS ARE ALWAYS ONE'S BETTERS

The tough private sauntered into the dimlylit saloon.

"Is there anybody here called Donovan?" he snarled. Nobody answered. Again he sneered: "Is there anybody here called Donovan?"

There was a moment of silence and then a little fellow in a sergeant's uniform strode forward.

"I'm Sergeant Donovan," he said defiantly.

The tough guy picked him up and threw him across the bar. Then he punched him in the jaw, kicked him, clubbed him, slapped him around a bit and walked out. About fifteen minutes later the little fellow came to.

"Boy," he exclaimed proudly, "sergeants will be always smarter than privates. Didn't I fool him? I ain't Donovan!"

[American Patriot]

Naval pun

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief.

"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

[American Patriot]

Last for today

Military Birth Control

After having their 11th child, a U.S. Marine and his wife decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger house on their housing allowance. So the Marine went to sick call and told the doctor that he and his wife didn't want anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but due to cost-cutting, the base hospital no longer performed that procedure. The Marine could have it done off base, at his own expense, said the doctor, but it could be very expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Marine said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit the cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works with most soldiers, some sailors, and a few airmen.

[American Patriot]

Ok, maybe one more then

[Aplomb]

So, the [marine] went home, lit the cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works with most soldiers, some sailors, and a few airmen.

What kinda joke is that? Wouldn't work on ANY airmen. Even if he can count to ten .

[American Patriot]

Air Force First Sergeant Test
1. You are having lunch with your new colonel, talking about the decision paper you wrote. During the conversation, a blonde walks into the dining area and she is so stunning you draw your boss's attention to her. Having his complete attention, you give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in a motel room. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as the colonel's daughter. Your next move is:

a. Ask for her hand in marriage.
b. Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
c. Repeat the conversation to the daughter and hope for the best.

2. You have been tasked to present a briefing to the General. The success of this presentation will mean increasing your authorized manpower slots by 125%. In the middle of the proposal the General leans over to look at your report and spits in your coffee. You:

a. Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
b. Ask him about his recent root canal.
c. Take a leak in his "OUT" box.

3. You are presenting a briefing to a group of 0-6s in the plushest office you've ever seen. The hot enchilada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch reacts, creating a severe pressure. Your sphincter loses its control and you break wind in a most convincing manner, causing three water glasses to shatter and a colonel to pass out. What you should do next is:

a. Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
b. Point out the Chief of Staff and accuse him of the offense.
c. Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

4. You are at a briefing when you suddenly are overcome with an uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a NO-NO, you:

a. Pretend to wave to someone across the room, and with one fluid motion, bury your finger into your nostril right up to the fourth joint.
b. Get everyone drunk and organize a nose-picking contest with a prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
c. Drop your notes on the floor, and when you bend over to pick them up, blow your nose on your sock.

5. You have just spent the evening with an IG inspector who kept you at the club drinking until lights out. You get home just in time to change and go to work. You stagger into the men's room and spend the next half hour vomiting. As you are washing up at the sink, you boss walks in, blows cigar smoke in your face and asks you to join him for drinks after work. You:

a. Look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive torrent at the front of his Class A uniform.
b. Nail him right in the crotch, banking on the hope he'll never recognize your green face.
c. Grasp his hand and pump it until he pees in his pants.

6. You are at a dinner party with the colonel and his wife (she looks like the regional runner-up at the Kate Smith look alike contest). Halfway through the dinner you feel a hand on your lap. Being resourceful, you:

a. Accidentally spill hot coffee on your lap.
b. Slip the hostess a note to have the boss's wife help her in the kitchen, and see if the hand goes away when she leaves.
c. Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. If he follows, don't come out until you have a maximum performance evaluation report.

7. You're on your way to brief the General when your zipper breaks and you discover you've forgotten to put on underwear that morning. You:

a. Call the General's secretary instead.
b. Explain to the General you've been trolling for gays.
c. Slip on a baggy raincoat and head for the dependent school playground.

8. It's November and you've just returned from a TDY (temporary duty) trip to Atlanta, Georgia. You tell your boss nobody but whores and football players live there. He explodes with, "My wife is from Atlanta!" You:

a. Ask what position she plays.
b. Ask if she's still working the streets.
c. Pretend you're going into a malaria induced coma.

9. You're attending a briefing given by a Colonel. You feel a tremendous pressure building in your anal area which you diagnose as gas accumulation. Feeling confident you have the muscle tone required for a controlled venting operation, you allow the sphincter to slightly relax. As the hair curls on the nape of your neck, you realize your error in judgment as fifty cubic centimeters of diarrhea slam into your jockey shorts. Your next action is:

a. Moan loudly, grasp your chest, and fake a massive coronary.
b. Ask mindless questions concerning the subject being briefed, wait for someone to yell, "who gives a sh*t!" then raise you hand.

10. You feel the onset of a horrendous sneeze halfway through a briefing. Realizing you do not have a handkerchief, you elect to sneeze into the naked palm of your right hand. After muttering appropriate social amenity, you conduct visual inspection of the results of your action and discover your palm is encased in a pool of multi-viscosity goo. You elect to:

a. Open your uniform shirt and wipe the secretion on your T-shirt.
b. Pretend you are brushing a fly off the back of the person seated in front of you.
c. Spread the offending matter on your hair, then use a comb to work it in the larger pieces.


(Note: I WAS an Air Force First Sergeant for a short stint )

[American Patriot]

Murphy's Laws Of Combat

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

There is always a way.

The easy way is always mined.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you're ready for them. b. When you're not ready for them.

Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

A "sucking chest wound" is natures way of telling you to slow down.

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

[ExplodedMind]

RD: Great stuff! Here's some more...

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - US Marine
Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - US Air Force WWII- Jim Muise

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - US
Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - US Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David
Hackworth

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Del Felisiano

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil. For
I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71
operating base
Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor-Don Platt

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If
a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot
dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh %!#$!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers"

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up
there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
it."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign
over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ.

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It
is much more difficult to fly there." WWII US Air Force- James Muise

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's
reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray
Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

EM

[Brian Baldwin]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one" So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she
is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "What is the matter?" The blonde said, "I miss the other girls. I wish they were back."


Brian

[Aplomb]

This is the ultimate response to a Dear John letter
You gotta' love a guy like this...
Humor in the face of defeat.

A Marine was deployed in Iraq. While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had
slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him and she wanted pictures of herself returned.

The Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around
to his buddies and collected all of the unwanted photos of women he
could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with and without clothing)! to his former girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

[American Patriot]

Just for a real life one on the dDear John letter, Aplomb....

When I was in Basic Training, one of the fellas received a similar letter. However, it contained a picture of his (now former) girlfriend... performing.. ummm... "oral sex" upon someone.

She stated (I read this letter myself and saw the picture) that she was "finished with him and could he stop writing now".

He thought about it a few days I guess, then he sent a response and placed the picture into the envelope.

We asked him what he said. He said, "I said here's a picture of your daughter Mrs. (name forgotten now)", and mailed the picture to her mom.

(shrug)

[American Patriot]

kinda touches your heart, don't it....



While interviewing an anonymous US Special Forces soldier on his sniper skills, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

[Ryan Ruck]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight
up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who
wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply
all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas
holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[American Patriot]

Another Genie Joke.

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

[American Patriot]

Lawyers hang their blunders, doctors bury theirs, architects plant vines and teachers send theirs into politics.